September Horrible Scope

September is all about course correction. Turning the corner into the final few months of the year gives you one last chance in 2023 to make progress toward your goals and sand down the edges of your more-than-likely low expectations before the new year. The same way leaves turn colors and fall from the trees starting the new cycle of life – your bad habits are like black mold spores, slowly rotting you from the inside. Your body starts to prepare for decay, decomposition, and sickness – well, in a matter of speaking.

In this new month, try and put the black mold out of your head and imagine yourself as the last few green leaves on the elm tree out in the front yard. Sure – it’s probably got Dutch Elm disease, but you’re resilient and you’re going to keep trying to be the tree your mother wished you would always become if it weren’t for your insecurities, low grades, and poor life choices. So be the big tree – blowing in the cool autumn air. Plant those feet like strong roots in a clay soil – this month is a month of strength for you.

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Aries

The expression “September Surge” is thought to refer to a spike in job postings between Labor Day and Halloween. For you? It’s a spike in lactose intolerance.

During this month, it may feel like things are your fault. In typical fashion though, what do you care – you’re likely at fault at least 80% of the time with no apologies. Like your mother always told you, ‘Don’t change yourself for anyone’.

We’re all comfortable with what we see in the rear-view mirror. The rear-view mirror is the only mirror you own.

Taurus

Tik Tok is a vast wasteland of social media. And yet – you spend hours…HOURS wasting valuable time watching cooking videos, construction hacks, and bigfoot sightings. You’re better than this…not much, but still better. Put the phone down!

The signals your therapist is showing you are becoming less and less subtle – like a fastball to the temple! It may be time to turn the page on the pipe-dreams of yesterday…you’re NEVER going to suddenly be the new front-man for The Black Crowes. Church choir is just fine for you!

The difference between a career and a hobby is measured in light years.

Gemini

It’s that magical time of year. “PSL” or Pumpkin Spice Latte. For once, it doesn’t stand for Pathetic Sore Loser.

It’s not so much the childish behaviors as much as it is the lack of self-awareness. Your family and friends are tired of hearing the same stories to the point they can recite them before you can launch into them again. Make this month a starting point to change your scenery and change the record!

Cancer

You’ve been reflective lately – wondering what your life means and how it’s going to be remembered. Full of wonder, laughter, success, and mystery – OR disappointment, underachievement, and mundane stories. Only a cleverly crafted Chat GPT prompt could write a life story more interesting than yours.

It’s time to move the goalposts because let’s just face it – you’ve fallen short. Again. No shaming here though – everyone knows this is your M.O. Do what you can to save a little face and keep moving which will create the illusion of forward progress.

Progress waits for no man – except you.

Leo

In these final days of summer – time to redeem those McDonald’s rewards points that have accumulated from every late-night filet-o-fish run in the last 4 months. Then delete the app and commit to a healthier relationship with food.

Look – it’s much too late to re-take the SAT’s but plastic surgery is always in season. And as shallow as that sounds – your wheels are probably spinning while reading this. To all the haters out there who believe good looks are fleeting, they’re all probably really, really ugly anyway. You’ve still got a good chance to pull off the con you’ve been running for years.

Remember: You were born at night but not LAST night.

Virgo

One word: Casseroles.

You’re built for comfort, not for speed. Remember this for any upcoming fall flag football games triggered by the college football season and you’ll surely save yourself the humiliation of a ruptured sciatica or lengthy emergency room visit. Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to physical exertion complicated by pride and adult beverages.

College was a lot longer ago than you remember.

Libra

In a world of Oppenheimer’s – be a Barbie. Both are blockbusters but the music, message, and costumes are so much better in the latter.

Don’t spend so much time trying to be the person you always wanted to grow up to become. This is the show. The cards are delt. The ship has sailed. And it could be a lot worse – though truthfully it could be a lot better too.

The minimum wouldn’t be the minimum if it weren’t good enough.

Scorpio

Once and for all, if you’re too lazy to commit to an exercise program to lose weight, Ozempic may be right for you. Expensive shortcuts are right up your alley – the side effect of nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain, and constipation be damned!

If you keep looking for sympathy, eventually you’ll find it – just not here. Do you ever wonder what happened to that carefree spirit, full head of hair, 36-inch waist, and knees that didn’t click when you walked? You can never go back – only forward. Let’s make a go of it!

Your power verbs this month are: Cleaning, dieting, exercising, reading.

Sagittarius

Setting boundaries can be a mature, useful, and very healthy exercise. You need FIREWALLS – fortified with titanium, lasers, and barbed wire. You’ve got some sketchy people in your life. Consider moving.

It’s not your job to be the fixer. In fact, it’s doubtful you’ve ever fixed anything in your life besides a stiff drink for your dad when you were 14. Tending bar is a noble talent – don’t sell it short. In fact, it’s highly probable you’ll fall back on this skill in retirement.

You can’t buy happiness, but you CAN whip up a vodka gimlet. Same thing…pretty much.

Capricorn

There are three types of people in the world: People who make things happen; people who watch things happen; and people who wondered what just happened. Which one are you? And be honest.

It’s not that you’re too critical of people…it’s the self-righteous condescension that is so off-putting to everyone. Take a big step back and look squarely into that mirror and recite the following about 300 times: “You’re right. I’m wrong.” It gets easier the more you say it.

Mother-in-laws may need to recite this 400 times.

Aquarius

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, you might want to invest in some mirrored sunglasses because no one is going to want to want to peer into your dark and desolate soul – it’s a disaster in there.

Your calm exterior is an incredible smokescreen to an otherwise inner hellscape! Seek the counsel and calm from a close friend, family member, or local exorcist. Your inner circle is your biggest ally but is also your potential enemy – it’s really a tossup.

Competitive eating isn’t the answer – unless you’re a competitive eater.

Pisces

Look for opportunities to change the path you’re on – don’t have that fifteenth chicken wing…say ‘no’ to that Draft Kings commercial…that smell? It’s the shirt you’re wearing – wash it.

Box Breathing. Have you heard of this phenomenon? You can trick your brain into calming your body when it’s in distress by formulaic breathing patterns. Given the guaranteed collision course you’re on with distress this month, you would benefit greatly from honing your box breathing technique. Alternatives might include Nicorette sandwiches, edibles where permitted, or cleaning out your garage.

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Note: These horriblescopes are purely satire in nature and not meant to offend, inform, or encourage any action. They are intended as entertainment purposes only. If you needed to confirm this by reading a disclaimer – you are a complete idiot.