October Horrible Scope

Rejoice! After 150+ days, the SAG-AFTRA strike is over! Which only means one thing: It actually means nothing to me – I’m still tossing out turds of wisdom through this unique channel the old-fashioned way and I hope you’re finding it mildly entertaining. For those who aren’t entertained – may I suggest Tik Tok…

With the sun now setting at 4 p.m., it will be harder for everyone to find energy, connection, inspiration, or tangible meaning. To quote the great Game of Thrones, “Winter is coming…” and it’s going to suck. Now more than ever, you’ll have to dig deep to navigate towards happiness and fulfilment. Burning leaves, cornstalks, hayrides, fragrant candles, a double-whisky on the rocks – these will help you make it through. Buckle up folks – it’s not looking good.

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Aries

That September Surge last month? Yeah, well – it’s come and gone. Time to pick out the Halloween candy and prep for Butterfinger and Good & Plenty surge.

This month you’ll feel sluggish and out of synch with those around you. Never mind you felt the same way last month, just a chance to have more self-awareness. Look for signs from nature all around you – a bird chirping at a painful frequency, dogs barking in the middle of the night (in a painful frequency), clogged gutters – they’ll present themselves in unusual ways and at unusual times.

Things that usually bring solace and calm are now your trap. Avoid them at all costs.

Taurus

After auditing your therapist’s invoices for the past quarter – you may want to question the value you’re getting. If you’re doing the work – keep going. If not – maybe shift your focus to physical exercise or at least some rigorous yardwork.

Much like the Fast & Furious franchise, your weight-loss journey has gone on too long. Let’s kick it up a notch and try to level off within a healthy range. Fast-food only slows you down so speed things up by eating at home more.

Your forties seem like a lifetime ago – but there’s no reason to completely abandon that motivated and carefree mindset.

Gemini

New Year’s Day is roughly 90 days away. 90. Start thinking about your resolution now – and be original. “Lose 30 pounds” didn’t work this year so show a little more integrity in 2024.

Any major purchases shouldn’t be influenced by your neighbor’s major purchases – unless it’s a new roof that was blown off during a violent storm of biblical proportions along with yours. Then it’s probably ok. I was more referring to things like in-ground pools, three-car garages, or an outdoor kitchen.

Cancer

The “Use by” and “Best by” dates mean two very different things. Your life is a collection of expired salad dressing bottles and it’s time to go shopping!

The key to happiness for most people this month comes in the common formula of mind, body, and spirit. YOUR formula is fried foods, low fiber, and brown liquors – which should be very attainable after looking at your formula last month.

The food pyramid is bullshit.

Leo

If it’s October and the Cubs are in the playoffs – wake up! The call is coming from inside the house!

There’s mystique and adventure in the weeks ahead for you. Mixed with the prescription drugs you take every day; it will feel more like anguish and fear. Stay in your lane this month and avoid long, important conversations with family members as they will likely steer you into oncoming traffic. Again.

If friends were coins, would you rather have four quarters or a hundred pennies?

Virgo

Popeyes is your love language – and ghost wings are back!

Your life continues to be a long, ill-conceived, misunderstood piece of artwork – embrace your medium and to hell with the haters. Let the boundaries you’ve created serve as your own firewall of safety.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – seek out those beholders and hang out with them for a while.

Don’t let regret consume you – well, maybe that ankle tattoo was a bad idea in 1988…

Libra

The harvest moon signaled curious events for you this month. I’d still keep that appointment with the dermatologist…

Life is short – which is why it’s important to take some risks along the journey: Don’t sniff the milk before pouring it on your cereal, don’t shred your Visa bill before throwing it in the garbage, ignore the ‘check engine’ light for a few more miles, don’t check your blind spot every time you change lanes – sounds a little bit thrilling, right?

Scorpio

That high school reunion coming up in a few weeks sounds like the perfect time to exact revenge on your long-time enemies.

Having troubles sleeping through the night could be the universe nudging you about exciting, new opportunities that await you. Reality check: It’s more likely you have a full bladder, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, clinical anxiety, or a good old-fashioned migraine. Dreams are free though.

Do all things in moderation. Even moderation.

Sagittarius

There are two types of people in the world: Those who like Hellman’s mayonnaise and those who like Miracle Whip. If you like Miracle Whip – you’re just flat out wrong. It’s an abomination.

If there’s one thing we learned from the nineties, it’s that electronic pets are not as satisfying as real pets, the internet is forever, and apartments in Manhattan are surprisingly affordable. Now is the time to reflect on your lessons learned and apply them in practical ways.

Seek out the company of an old friend to remind you of the times you used to be interesting.

Capricorn

If you could choose world peace or ending telemarketing phone calls – where do you cast your vote?

All of your life, people have told you that you have a ‘wonderful singing voice.’ That’s probably a big, fat lie but you still keep singing. You be you and make no apology for it!

Remember: Without music, life would Bb. IYKYK

Aquarius

My mother always told me: If you could look into the window of my heart – you’d probably throw up. My mom lives in a nursing home now so I wonder if she even remembers that at this point. My bet is no.

Look for signs of gratitude in the coming weeks. They can be big or small; a sunny day, catching all the green lights, a nap, a miscounted receipt at Costco. It all adds up to help you limp through an otherwise bleak existence plagued with disappointment.

Words to live by: No one likes a showoff.

Pisces

October is going to be a guaranteed trainwreck for you. Pace yourself – ask for help – rest – think ‘long-term’. This is all worth it!

Garage sales are your friend – it’s the last few weeks of pleasant weather mixed with the opportunity to get rid of the weight of bric-a-brac you’ve been toting around for 20 years. Three sets of bed sheets are probably enough. Those old wigs? Gone. The outdated Christmas tchotchke? Ship it! A new chapter awaits!

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Note: These horriblescopes are purely satire in nature and not meant to offend, inform, or encourage any action. They are intended as entertainment purposes only. If you needed to confirm this by reading a disclaimer – you are a complete idiot.