July Horrible Scope

July is a month to look inward to take inventory of your greatest blunders and spectacularly poor decisions. Sure, we are all magical human beings, but most of the time, we’re fooling ourselves and the best and only true judge of our character belongs to our pets – and even then…not always.

This month you may feel like you’ve got the universe by the horns. The only problem with that is that it’s highly unlikely given the universe is constantly expanding and immeasurable and could never manage horns. The best advice for you this month – lay low, make easy choices, e.g. should I have two gin & tonics, or maybe just the one. In the end, you’ll feel accomplished and set yourself up for a better July. Surround yourself with people who are more successful than you, which shouldn’t be hard. They will be a source of motivation and inspiration in the midst of a black endless pool of self-loathing and crippling depression.

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Aries

If your path were a font, it would be Comic Sans – easily overused and ignored by anyone important. Strive for serif traits and maybe – just maybe – you’ll be taken seriously.

In the coming weeks, expect to be hyper aware of people glaring in your general direction. Check your zipper – check your teeth – check your hair. If called out on any of these – this is a teachable moment.
Your power noun for July: Hygiene.

 

Taurus

Take pride in your growing Sudoku skills and share strategies with those you meet on the street. You’ve got a one in twenty chance of making a new friend equally annoying as yourself.

It’s time to stop faking your way through life. Don’t think for a minute that people can’t see through that thin veil of pretense and hoax. Invest more in paying attention and minding the details. If you continue trusting your instinct, you’ll only fall deeper into the hole of disappointment and certain failure.

Imposter syndrome is real – at least it is for you.

Gemini

No, Zelle isn’t a wine label – it’s an online banking app. The time is long overdue to bring your life up to speed and embrace all the convenience it has to offer you.

Regardless of what your parents told you, you’re really not that interesting and you need to work on your social skills this month. No one is interested in hearing about furnace filters, or your ‘out of control insurance co-pays’, or the terrible pollen count, or about how much of an ass Kevin from marketing is. These are completely inconsequential topics and should be removed from your rotation.

Listen twice as much as you speak – which is going to be a real challenge for you this month. If you were paying $5 for every word that comes out of your filthy mouth, try to cap your spending at about $40 bucks. When perfected – you’ll be invited to more social events.

When in doubt: Just stop talking.

Cancer

Your spirit animal is a platypus. That should really throw up some red flags for you since the platypus is really a mash-up of confused and unlikable animals.

Use your innate skill of skepticism to judge those who seem to work against you at work. These people are far more talented than you and you have no room for them in your simple and one-dimensional life. It’s ok to share a meal with them but remember – they’re not like you at all in any way.

It’s important to stay in your lane this month and not try to swerve into the electrifying and exciting lanes on both sides of you.

Keep your guard up and head on a swivel.

Leo

When faced with the decision – ALWAYS run the yellow light. You’ll save time and likely offend drivers and passengers alike.  

Life is about choices. July is going to be filled with poor ones for you. Try to slow down and ask yourself, “why do I continue this endless pattern of immaturity and insecurity after 40?”

It’s possible you’re stuck back in high school after peaking as class treasurer of the student body or playing first chair cello – it’s time to let that shit go. While it’s possible you’ll never get ‘unstuck’ it IS possible to reframe your life and ask yourself: What would <INSERT HIGH SCHOOL NEMESIS> do in this situation?

Virgo

While ‘hope’ isn’t an investment strategy, your weekly $100 investment in scratch-off lottery tickets will pay off one of these days – keep going!

Professionally you’ve got your act together. Personally – it’s a completely different story. You’ve tried hobbies, new book clubs, chat rooms, even deodorant – but progress is on the horizon in the coming month. Consider dialing back all non-verbal communications first to see if you get the feedback you’re looking for and then go from there.

Building your personal brand will require extra help.

Libra

July is a month for pulp. Orange juice – tomato juice – pineapple juice – remember, stay aware of your pulp intake. Your colon will thank you.

If you’ve been using any meditation apps lately, you’re wasting your money. You need more than a .99 cent app to calm down the tornado inside of YOUR head. Consider recurring visits to a therapist at any cost.

When not at the therapist – make changes at home to reinforce a positive and productive environment:

• Make a new habit of wearing pants
• Recycle the empty wine bottle in case you have visitors – this will help create the illusion of sober living
• Have real food in the refrigerator – stop living like you’re in college

These small adjustments will bring big results – hopefully. I’m not a licensed therapist.

Scorpio

As a fan of the mystical arts, your search for close-up magicians continues to evade you. Once found, this will fill a gap in your sad life and make you much more interesting.  Much.

Chat GPT will come to your rescue this month. Likely in the form of a resignation letter that you’ve unsuccessfully tried to draft multiple times. Using AI to assist you with something so incredibly human and simple is sad and tragic. But you be you.

Over the next few weeks, try to be more original.

Sagittarius

Prioritize looking for a support group for people who are buying into reversible mortgages. The search may take a while – but in the end – worth it.

This month will open new opportunities and new relationships. You’re in desperate need of both so giddy-up! Communication is the key that will unlock everything – try moving away from your usual clicks and grunts which you think pass for communication.

Also consider a new hobby not shunned by normal society. Dungeons & Dragons was acceptable before 1984 – but not a day since.

Capricorn

Stop ending sentences with a preposition – it makes for uncomfortable social situations and really shines a light on your public-school education.

July is a month of red meat and high alcohol consumption – never mind what the Surgeon General has to say – he’s not a real general so where does he even get off?

This month it will be critical to test your limitations: How long can you hold your breath? How many stairs can you ascend in one leap? How long can you drive with your eyes closed? How many bee stings can you tolerate? Challenging these norms will create new ones – and likely cause a trip or two to the ER.

Drive fast. Take chances. The minute you save may be your own.

Aquarius

You’re the only one in your friend circle who still uses checks – consider making a change. It’s 2023. 

If you find yourself entering a room unable to remember why you’re in it – it’s probably early dementia and you should consider getting your affairs in order. OR it could be you’re really hung over, unable to recall simple tasks. Either way – drink more water.

When faced with a difficult decision with multiple options – open yourself up to the possibilities of a good old fashioned guess. With your luck lately, the consequences are likely to come back and bite you in the ass.

Pisces

Sharing your Netflix account login with family and friends remains a priority this month. With the rising prices of entertainment – this continues to be your best path.

Have you ever wondered what happened to your inner child? Oh – it’s still there – it’s just on the outside now. You’re a giant child, incapable of complex thought, meaningful conversation, problem solving, or mature relationships. Maybe that works for you – but if you find yourself alone a lot – start with that.

To fast-track your learning, read a newspaper, listen to podcasts, visit a museum, library, or seek out relationships with high-functioning adults who have 40-hour a week jobs that require wearing shoes and operating a computer.

Make this month your starting line.

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Note: These horriblescopes are purely satire in nature and not meant to offend, inform, or encourage any action. They are intended as entertainment purposes only. If you needed to confirm this by reading a disclaimer – you are a complete idiot.